Jesus is My Better Dream

   It's been 2 months since my last miscarriage. I still dream of babies, all day, every day. It's painful. Especially since this was the first pregnancy Jace was so excited about. It breaks my heart. But it's all in God's hands. He knows what's going to happen next.
   Sometime I'll have to write about more extensively about my pregnancies. All of them have been dreadfully painful for us, not the babies, just the pregnancies. We don't know what it's like to have a smooth healthy pregnancy. There was a time when I was jealous of the those who had great pregnancies, but really my awful pregnancy experiences are what God used to bring me to him. Philippians 3:7,8 "But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yes doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ."  I've had hyperemesis gravidarium, molar pregnancy, hemorrhaging, pregnancy loss, phantom pregnancy, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Not fun. But I take so much joy in reaching out to incredible mamas who are going through hard pregnancies.
   This is where I'm at right now. I'm tired of the bumpy road. I'm so thankful that I can relate to others who are hurting. But that's enough, Lord. I've been through it. I learned my lesson. Can you just pour out the blessings now? Smooth sailing would be nice. These waters were pretty mean, now can I come out on the other side with clear blue skies?
   I'm scared of not getting pregnant again, especially for my husband's sake. I'm scared of getting pregnant again, and what bumpy roads might come. I'm scared of getting pregnant again, and not having bumpy roads, will I forget how much I need my Savior? I'm scared of God not answering my prayers in the way I expect Him to. I'm scared of continued pregnancy loss. I don't think I can handle many more. This limbo state is brutal.
   But Jesus is better. He is.
   When I think of Who God is (the Potter) and who I am (the clay), the problems fade away. I don't know what's going to happen. But thankfully the One who does is holding my hand. I don't have to enjoy the pain, but I can take joy in Jesus.
   If I hold up my baby dreams as my ultimate happiness, those dreams will crush me. They will never satisfy me. I suppose I'll always have baby fever. But if I hold up Jesus as my ultimate happiness, He will always satisfy. Eyes so focused on Jesus that I don't notice what's going on around me. Jesus is so much better. Jesus is my reality, not just a dream of what could be. If there's anything to dream about, it would be to dream about standing before Jesus.
   Jeremiah 2:13 "For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water." I left God in order to pursue something else that can't satisfy. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." Matthew 22:37.
   Fall in love with Jesus. Jesus is better. He is. He is better than all your hopes and dreams. He is better than your fears. We have been continuously unfaithful to Him, yet He wants to be with us. He wants us to forsake everything else we are pursuing, so He can capture our hearts. Jesus is pursuing you, He always has and He always will. He never gets tired of pursuing us. Isaiah 40:28 "Have you not known? have you not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary? there is no searching of his understanding."
   What if in the end, it's not about me and my experiences. It's about His master plan for mankind. What if my pregnancies weren't just about bringing me close to the Lord, but that my experiences were a domino effect in His master orchestration of mankind. Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart devises his way: but the Lord directs his steps." We can't understand God. I wish we didn't have to go through the pain that we do. But I trust God even there. I trust Him in what He's doing in your life. I trust Him in what He's doing in mine. I have to. There is no other way that satisfies.
 
   Please feel free to message me anytime. I'd love to meet you where you are at and hear your story.

Get Ready!

   I feel like I'm way over my head with this post, and I most definitely cannot give this topic the justice that is due, so I'm just going to share my heart and let the Spirit have His way.
   Last week the Lord was teaching me about surrender! Phew! That was a tough one! I spent the rest of the week focusing on puppy training and homeschooling, both mentally draining. Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength: they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." That summed up my week. So tired, but the Lord gave me the strength to keep going.
   Then the big weekend came. The baptism of me and my husband had been in the works for a long time. This was a big deal, and we wanted to honor the Lord with it.
   Be sure, when Jesus is exalted, and God is glorified, the evil one will be angry. I was on the hit list, and I wasn't prepared for it. I tend to rush into things without thinking them through. Usually when something big comes up, I'm excited about it until it's actually about to happen, then I panic and back out. That's exactly what happened with the baptism. I've been looking forward to it for months, and the night before, I was tempted to back out.
   When I was baptized before, it was in a heated baptistery. Now, I have a cold water phobia, and refuse to get into cold water. I grew up with a pool, and it was the greatest thing when I was a kid. But I don't play games with water. I don't find throwing people people in the pool unexpectedly very amusing. I know that's not what happens with baptism, but for some reason, that's all I could think about. I'm a small person, yet when I get scared, I can wrestle a large man and win. Seriously. I was so nervous about that coming out in front of everyone. Perhaps it was a little bit of hormones, but I believe it was spiritual attacks. Trying to tempt me to not get baptized.
   Baptism is a beautiful picture of the lost second half of the gospel. Usually the gospel is preached in America as you are a sinner, God loves you. Jesus died for your sins, was buried and rose again; if you believe that, pray the sinner's prayer and welcome to the family of God. But really, the gospel of the Bible is you are God's enemy, but God loves you even in your wickedness. (Romans 8:7; Romans 5:8) Jesus, the Son of God, died as God's enemy so you could have His perfect sinless record as your own. (Romans 3:25). Jesus died, was buried, and rose again so you can die to yourself, bury your sins, and rise again to live for Him Who died for you. Mark 8:34 "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it, but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it." 1 Corinthians 15:22 "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." In the Bible, new converts were baptized right away, visualizing the gospel: Because Jesus died, buried, and rose again, I die, bury, and rise again. Galatians 3:27 "For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ." 1 Peter 3:20,21 " Which sometime were disobedient, when once the longsuffering of God waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was a preparing, wherein few, that is, eight souls were saved by water. The like figure whereunto even baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God,) by the resurrection of Jesus Christ:" I love baptism. Really, instead of sealing the decision to follow Jesus by a prayer, biblically, we should seal that decision to follow Christ with baptism.
   We wanted to get baptized sooner, but it didn't work out that way for us. We finally got the logistics settled, and the day was fast approaching. All I could think about was being thrown in the water. I don't know why, because that's not what was going to happen. But that's the flesh for you, it doesn't make sense. But regardless of being illogical, that's what I was freaking out about. I had great fear of being forced to go in the water. I realized it was a spiritual attack when I started doubting that I needed to get baptized at all, and doubting if I really did just get saved this year when I was following Jesus all along. My husband was great working me through it. I was really ready to postpone it until we could get baptized in a heated pool. But I had this pulling on me that if I backed out of this, then I wasn't really following Jesus, I was really following my own comforts. I wrestled with this all night, and all morning. The baptism was in the afternoon. Finally, I realized, hey, I'm not going to put a stipulation on following Jesus. It's all or nothing. Cold or warm, I'm going to follow Jesus. We were getting ready, and my husband was working on the pool. He checked the chlorine levels, and it was finally low enough to swim in after weeks of being too high. I looked at him and said, I'm jumping in. Right now. I have to. So, I did. It was fine. My fear was blown way out of proportion. Jace jumped in too. I was finally spiritually ready to follow through in believer's baptism.
   1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour:" 1 Corinthians 10:13 "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
   I finally was able to recognize my fear for what it was, the devil trying to scare me away from following Jesus. But I also recognized the escape that Jesus prepared for my moment of temptation: conquering my fears in the pool. Once that happened, the devil had nothing on me anymore. I could stand up boldly, my heart in submission to His mission for me to advance the kingdom of God. Jesus fought for me.
   My prayer for you is that you will surrender and follow Jesus, no matter the cost. That you will recognize the devil's attacks and escape in the arms of Jesus, knowing He's got your back.
  My prayer for you is that you won't live a life of fear, but that you will live life fearing the right things. Matthew 10:28 "Fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear Him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell." We don't have to fear the devil's attacks, because "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4.
   Here's some pictures of my husband and me sharing our testimonies and getting baptized.

And no, the water wasn't as cold as I expected it to be ;)

Giving Up

   We started watching The Dog Whisperer. We watched him tame a very dangerous red zone dog, one that just wants to kill. He calmly stayed in control the whole time while he was dominating the dog until the dog surrendered to him. It was fascinating to watch. 

   So I tried it out on my puppies. I learned we have two dominating puppies, but by me pinning them, they placed themselves under my authority. My husband was amazed at how well the dogs obeyed even after one training session. Then during play time with the dogs, I watched our older dog Brody, do the exact thing I was doing to them to get them to submit. It was so amazing to understand what was going on. Brody had to repeatedly pin Max to get him to surrender. Max would finally relax, Brody would ease up; Max would test the boundaries, and Brody had to pin him again! This went on for a good hour. Even though the top dog weighs slightly less than I do, I was still able to pin him very easily. He knows who's boss around here. 

   I couldn't help but see how much I am like those stubborn puppies. 

   Following Jesus is all about surrender. That's the only way to know Him. That's the only way to salvation. 

It's a lesson in the course of God's Sovereignty. That topic seems to make people uneasy. Wrestling with God. It's so beautiful. God will win. He always does. Give up. Relax. Stop fighting. You are not in control. You never were. You never will be. This goes for every single area of your life. That area you're struggling with right now? That area you area you are fearful about? Give up. Relax. You are not in control; God is. 

   This week we started unit studies for homeschooling. The goal is to go through the history of the world throughout the years, picking a topic to study that relates to the time period we are going through. Since the kiddos are new at this, we are starting at the beginning. "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth" Genesis 1:1. Jesus still holds all of creation together, Colossians 1:17 "And he is before all things, and by him all things consist." We sang together "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" We sang all the verses, and made up personal ones. He's got Tess, Kaia and Jasper in His hands... He's got learning to read in His hands... He's got United States of America in His hands...He's got the whole world in His hands. 

That was powerful for me. Everything I worry about, that means I'm still trying to take control. I don't have to worry about something that God already has control over. Give up. 

   Salvation. 

   Give up. 

   Where you spend eternity in not in your control. Give up. Let God be your judge. You can't find God. God finds you. That's what sets Christianity apart from religion. There is Nothing you can do to save yourself. Give up. Surrender. There's Nothing you can do to save your husband or your kids from anything that plagues them. It's not about how you can help them; it's all about Jesus. God is bigger than you can ever imagine. God doesn't fit in a box. If you could figure Him out, He would cease to be God. Let it go.

   Yes, He made us with a free will. We are not robots; we make choices. 

   Romans 8:8 "So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God." 

   Galatians 5:19-25 "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."

   To sum it up, anything I do does not please God. Only the Spirit pleases God. Mark Driscoll sums up predestination this way, "Predestination: You chose hell, God chose heaven. You chose damnation, God chose salvation. You chose to run away, he chose to run after you." 

   Man cannot choose God. Man is an enemy of God. Romans 8:7 "Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither can be." 

   Just like my puppy struggling for his freedom until he finally surrendered. We fight God for control. God's going to win. He created you. He's way more powerful than you. You don't stand a chance against God. Stop fighting. Let God work. 

   Even in the bad, He's weaving it all together. Trust Him. Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

   The topic of God's Sovereignty makes people uneasy. Man being sinful and thoroughly corrupt makes people uncomfortable. For this simple reason. We think we are bigger than we really are. It hurts our pride. We are still fighting for control. 

   But yet, God came down to us while we were fighting Him. God pursued us with an everlasting love while we were so arrogant in our sin. God wanted us anyway. Romans 5:8.

   Can you see how much God loves you? He loves you like no one else can. There is not a soul on earth that has hurt more than God has hurt. Yet, in His hurt and pain, He loves us so fiercely. He opens out His arms with the blood of Jesus Christ. 

   Only God can please God. Jesus is God. Jesus pleased God for you. Colossians 1:19-23 "For it pleased the Father that in him should all the fulness dwell; And, having made peace through the blood of his cross, by him to reconcile all things to himself; by him, I say, whether they be things in earth, or things in heaven. And you, that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now has he reconciled in the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight: If you continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel."

   Moms, we struggle with God's sovereignty so much. We are known for worry. We say worry is our job.

   We worry about everything. We worry about when our cycle is going to come. We worry about the baby breathing. We worry about our toddler climbing the stairs. We worry about eating gluten. We worry about our husband coming home. We worry about needing a bigger vehicle. 

   Give up. 

   God is bigger. 

   Yes, we do what we can do; but in the end, it's not up to us. God uses us. But it's not because of us. 

   If my mischievous little puppies ever get properly trained; it's not because of my great training skills, or the Dog Whisperer. It's because of God.   

Kids are Gone!

My parents graciously took my kids for five days so Jace and I could have a break together. I didn't think it through until the night before. I started panicking. I've never been without my kids like this before. Our families are not close by, so babysitters are not guaranteed. I thought for sure I would melt down. The littlest one is still too little to understand what's going on. He started getting upset when he heard me talk on the phone. Kaia is having a blast with my niece. She could probably stay forever, even though she wasn't too sure if she wanted to go in the first place. Tess is ready to come home. She's the one that is always ready to say bye to mommy and daddy, but freaks out when she can't see mommy. If it weren't for these episodes, I wouldn't know how attached to me she really is.
I miss them. But not like I thought I would. I was fine. I enjoyed it. I realized alot while they were gone.
#1 I can relax when they're not here. My daughter panics alot, and I'm always on edge waiting for her next episode. When she's away, my heart beats normally.
#2 I became a different person when I'm not in my mommy role. It surprised both me and my husband. I've been in the mommy trenches since the beginning of our marriage. Tess was a honeymoon baby, and I became dehabiliting sick right away. We basically had one month of wedded bliss before our world was turned upside down. I forgot who I was. So with the kids gone, I became more free. I wasn't so rigid and nervous about safety and taking care of little feet. The things I thought I didn't like to do,  I learned I actually do enjoy doing them! Everything is so much harder to do when little feet are running around. For example, cooking. Jace normally cooks dinner for us because I'm way more exhausted by the end of the day than he is. We hardly ever bake, but I learned I do enjoy those things. We made these amazing donuts by frying biscuits and dipping it in cinnamon sugar. Delicious.
As our lives are about to return to normal soon,
Jace said he feels that he's dropping me off instead of picking up the kids.
#3 Time was our own. Or somewhat anyway. We still had three dogs, two of whom are puppies, to take care of. But at least they could be confined in their cages when we needed them to be. But even though we could basically do whatever we wanted, house projects were number one on the priorities. Even without the kids, we still were working all day and went to bed late. It's in our blood to stay busy.
#4 Jace and I were able to bond so much more without the kids. We could have fun together doing a task instead of focusing on getting the task accomplished without too much damage.
We'll be locking the bedroom door a little more from now on.
#5 I was created to be a mommy. I can't escape it. My kiddos are bonded to me so much, they were still with me even though they were miles away. I love their business; they probably got it from me.  My life is far richer and deeper with the kids around. It's such a humbling privilege to help mold and shape another soul. I take my role very seriously, and I can't wait to have them back.
Here's some pictures of what we did while the kids were gone.

 

We made biscuits from bisquick mix, added vanilla, sugar and blueberries. Shallow fried it in extra virgin olive oil until they were golden and crispy. 

We had three bowls out. One for melted butter, one for brushing on the butter, and one for dipping in cinnamon sugar.

Yum!

This is before. The walls were like a muted peach. Not our style at all.

This is the after. The quilt is from Cracker Barrel (it was designed by a 13-year-old!), and the paint is Mature Grape from Sherwin Williams. The picture doesn't do it justice.

We've added Christmas lights behind the curtains. To the left is an old couch we brought in, and threw on some sheets. We'll get something more stylish later. The room took us 3 out of the 5 days. It looks great. We love a colorful room! 

Motherhood: A Picture of Following Jesus

If you could sum up motherhood in one word, what would it be? 

Joy, smiles, laughter, fun or labor, work, challenge and fear?

I know....

It's Love. 

From that first moment of meeting that precious face to the screams of night terrors, homework, hugs, housework and parties. 

We do it because we love our kids. 

We don't love them perfectly. We've messed up more times than we care to admit, but when it comes down to it, we all deeply love our children, more than we ever thought possible.

I believe God created mothers to give us a picture of what following Jesus is all about. 

Anyone can say, I love kids. Sure you do. Let's see how well you handle a night terror or when they dump out all your stuff. 

Anyone can say, I believe in Jesus. "You believe that there is one God: you do well: the devils also believe, and tremble. But will you know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?" James 2:19,20

What is the "works" that James talks about? I would encourage you to download a Bible app or get your Bible out if you have one. Look up James 2. Read the whole chapter. Its a really great chapter. 

This post would be extremely long if I wrote it all out for you, but I'll highlight a few verses. 

The context starts off by judging people by their appearance. Are they clean cut or are they kinda grungy? Let's admit it, moms can get pretty grungy sometimes, especially moms with small kids. Do your pajama pants or a fancy dress determine if you're a good mom? No way. Pretty sure we've worn both at some point. But that's exactly how we judge others. James says in verse 8, 9 and 10 "If you fulfill the royal law according to Scripture, You shall love your neighbor as yourself, you do well: But if you have respect of persons (playing favorites), you commit sin, and are convinced of the law as transgressors, For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all." James is saying, the only rule you need to focus on is loving God and loving others. 1 Corinthians 13:13 puts it this way, "And now abides faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love." 

I did a quick Bible search on the word "love" and it's found 443 times in the Bible, 202 times in the New Testament. That's alot of love! 

John 13:35 "By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." 

What's the difference between a teen that loves the idea of kids versus the mom who actually deeply loves her kids? Her works. How she loves them. Her faithfulness. 

It's all grace. 

We can't love our kids perfectly. We can expose how we yelled at our kids, how the screaming word "MOOOM!!" is absolutely grating to us. We can expose how we were too rough with them when they wouldn't stop banging their toy on the table. We can expose how we just wanted a moment of peace and quiet to go to the bathroom. We can expose the plea for someone to take the kids away for a day. 

If you're hoping being a "good" mom will cover up all the wrong in your life because your kids were the only "good" thing you've ever done, that very law will condemn you. We are not "good" moms, because we are not perfect moms (James 2:10).  "And he said to him, Why do you call me good? there is none good but one, that is, God" Matthew 19:17. 

What can we do if believing in God and being good isn't enough? 

Jesus. 

When you favored your daughter over your son because she obeyed you and he's a challenge, that's sin. And Jesus was punished for your sin of favoritism. 

He still wants you to repent. You love your son even if he is a challenge. But he still needs to confess his disobedience to you, and make it right. The same it is with God. Even though God loves us no matter what, you still need to confess your sin to God, and ask for forgiveness. The punishment is already taken care of. 

He freely gives us Grace!

Ephesians 2:8,9 "For by grace are you saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast."

We cannot have a right relationship with God at any point in our life if we are counting on pleasing Him for being "good". 

Jesus IS our Good!

Repent and Believe. 

Enjoy the grace that is given to you by Jesus Christ!

Following Jesus isn't about getting our lives cleaned up, it's about Love. As a follower of Jesus, I still can't love perfectly, but that's why I need Jesus. The mark of a follower of Jesus is a Love for God, and Love for others, just like how a mother deeply loves her child. 

So the next time, your daughter is doing the same thing you told her not to do, love her anyway. 

The next time, you feel the tension from your parents when your son is acting up, love them all anyway. 

Because that's how Jesus loves you. 

Jehovah Rapha

Jehovah Rapha. My Healer.

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3

I was raised in an Independent Fundamental Baptist home. I had a wonderful childhood that I wouldn't trade for anything. I thank God for perfectly writing my story this way.  

But that easily could have been a different story. I was adopted at the age of 3. It was a very unusual circumstance that God completely stepped in and placed me in a different home. I grew up with 2 families, not just one, yet still completely alone.  My adoption was very traumatic for me. I dealt with typical emotional issues that only adoptees can understand. I even struggled with eating disorder in high school that stemmed from this. I clung to the Bible to dig me out of that pit.

“Purity isn't something you wear on your finger; it’s a seal upon your being that says, I am marked for redemption.”

“Purity is living like you are purified.”

This topic of purity means a lot to me because it reminds me of my salvation. Ironically, my name means pure.

I was always the “good girl”. I saw the effects of sin.  I experienced the damage of other people’s sin. I watched those I love go through the consequence of sin, and I knew I wanted to stay as far away from it as possible. I strove for purity in all areas of my life. I remember the very day as a little girl that I decided my life goal was to have a large family, and do things right. That was my ultimate goal. If I could be the right mom, and love my kids, then I could right all the wrongs. I didn't realize I made that dream, my salvation.

I first professed Christ by saying the sinners prayer when I was 3 years old, then several more times throughout my life, just in case. I was baptized at 10, because that’s what I was supposed to do. I dedicated my life to Christ as a teen, and I was going to be a missionary. I loved the teaching of God’s Word. I attended 2 of the strictest Bible colleges, and met my husband during this time. I ended up taking Bible classes with preacher boys and graduated with a Bible degree. 

There's a story in Luke 15, commonly referred to as "The Prodigal Son". There were two brothers, the older brother was very obedient "good boy" and the younger brother was rebellious "bad boy". The younger son demanded his inheritance from his father, and went out and spent all his money partying with friends. But when he ran out of money, he ran out of friends. He found work taking care of pigs, and ended up eating out of the pig trough. He thought, what am I doing here? My father's servants eat better than I do! So he went back asking his father to make him a servant. His father saw him coming from a distance away, ran to him, and clothed him with special clothes, and called for a big celebration that his son was home.The son was so astonished to be accepted by his father, but the older brother was furious. He always obeyed his father, yet he never got any special treatment, yet when his brother wasted all his father's money, he gets treated like royalty! The father welcomed both sons to the celebration. I always thought it was about the prodigal, but really its about the Good Father. We are All either prodigals or the older brother. I knew early on, I didn't want to be the prodigal, so I did the best I could to obey. Now, there was a time in my life that I was sick of being the “good girl” and privately rebelled, but not completely just so I could still technically be considered “pure” and a virgin.

But I gave my life to redemption by being righteous, and with the ultimate life goal of having the perfect over-sized family to heal my hurting heart. This was my idolatry, my worship, my earning salvation. If you had suggested that to me, I would've been appalled. I knew I was a sinner, and needed Jesus' finished work on the cross to save me. But I never dealt with the sin beneath the sin. I never repented of my idolatry. The parable of the prodigal son (The Good Father) shows us that all of our hearts either default to the prodigal or the older brother. The prodigal knows he is a sinner. The older brother is trying to earn salvation. This is the story of all older brothers, most of whom tend to be religious, or even claim Christ.

It was since the beginning of my marriage that the Lord used my ultimate dream to crush me. We had a honeymoon baby, which was great for my dream. The Lord started breaking me right away with Hyperemesis Gravidarium (HG), which is pretty much my body reacts to pregnancy the same as food poisoning. With medical aid, we got through it, but severely traumatized. That was temporarily mended with a sweet sweet gift from above, my firstborn Tess. I realized going through all of that was worth it to bring new life into the world. We wanted another one.  I desperately wanted Tess to have a sister, like the sister that was taken from me because of my adoption. Having another girl was my focus. It took us 9 long emotional months to conceive again. It was a molar pregnancy. For those who don’t know, to sum it up, instead of a fetus, I was carrying cancerous tissue. If my doctor didn't get all the tissue out right away, it could spread and I would need chemo. If that wasn't scary enough, my HG was ten times worse than before. I couldn't wait to get a d+c so I wouldn't be sick anymore. The Dr told us, for my safety, we needed to wait a year before trying again. That was the most devastating blow I could have gotten. I based my whole world on the redemption of having kids, of having sisters. I was angry at God. I believed He had forgotten me. I suppressed that root of bitterness, after all, that wasn't Christian-like to be angry at God. Instead of a year, we were pregnant within 2 months. That was very scary and embarrassing, even more than a honeymoon baby. That was a very trying 9 months. Every trimester was met with complications. We have literally 100 ultrasound pictures from having ultrasounds twice a week. It was at this point that Tess, now a toddler, started dealing with heavy stuff herself that we didn't know what to do about. God was gracious and blessed us with Kaia, also meaning pure, named after my long lost sister. Dream fulfilled. Once Kaia was born, Tess went south very quickly. For the sake of her testimony, I won’t go into it, but we were looking at mental health issues and the spectrum. If you make your kids your idol, they will crush you; whatever your idol is, it will crush you. We gave up striving for perfection, it was absolutely impossible for us. Our goal was trying to survive now.

It was during this time I felt the isolation the strongest. I was a struggling SAHM living in a tiny packed house, out in the country with no car, no family to help. People would often say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, I would go crazy if I were you” Well, I did go crazy. I couldn't handle it there.

Soon after Jason became the head of one of the children's ministries at church. We were gladly expecting, and I was sick again with HG. I was more alone than ever. The internet was my Only sanity. HG morphed into POTS, which was worse than the HG. POTS basically is my body’s inability to cope with gravity. Standing was nearly impossible for me. I needed a lot of salt to retain fluids, which meant I needed to eat large amounts constantly, but couldn't stand up to prepare it. With two small crazy kids, one of whom had issues, and all the other isolated factors, I started having panic attacks Every time I stood up to help the kids. Now, this goes against everything I've built my life on; righteousness, integrity, being a good mom, etc… We weren't even surviving anymore, we were physically alive, and that’s it.

Jasper was born on the hottest week of the year, which for a pregnant POTS sufferer, was gruesome, and an evil punishment.  He weighed a whopping 9lbs 4oz, which for my small frame was also physically traumatizing. God was gracious in the labor and delivery, and with a newborn that slept all night, because He knew I wouldn't have been able to deal with lack of sleep. Unfortunately the recovery didn't go so well. I broke my tailbone during the delivery, still dealing with POTS, and ended up hemorrhaging and in the hospital again when he was 10 days old. I was so numb to dealing with complications, and I never dealt with that root of bitterness. I had living nightmares just living in that house from all my panic attacks and Tess’ issues. I had to get out. It was during this time I recognized I was no longer the same care-free person I used to be. I started going by the nickname Wren.

As soon as I could barely stand up again, 4 weeks postpartum, we put the house on the market. It was all part of Gods plan for us; we sold our house and bought a new one within a week. We moved in October. No more isolation; finally the house met our family’s needs. We loved it here instantly. Some of that burden was lifted. But nothing could have prepared us for what Tess would go through. From October to December, we must have dealt with demons. There is no other explanation for it. It was so obvious; we acknowledged it, and prayed over it to no avail. We had no power. Then Sandy Hook happened. I completely became undone, as if that dead mom was me. Jason would say, If we truly believe, God will change her!  I finally said, “Well, If that’s the case, then I don’t believe.” It pains me to share this. Tears filling my eyes. I can barely talk about this, it’s more like a whisper. But it’s necessary. You need to know. The spirit world is Real, and God is more powerful and greater than demons. Now, I don’t think our experience was extreme, it was only a taste of what that power can do. Yet, it was an absolutely Terrifying experience. As if we weren't traumatized enough, that really put us over the edge and completely numb to any blessings.  I was still dealing with panic attacks, anger, bitterness, unbelief, and my heart was hardened to claimed Christians.

Finally at the beginning of the New Year, I tried desperately to regroup and tried to find peace in our home again. Jasper had a doctors appointment, and for the first time a babysitter come to the house to watch the girls while I took the baby. Getting the girls ready, I tried to have a heart to heart talk with my daughter, trying to apologize and make things right. I was still so filled with anger, I couldn't even talk.

That’s when I thought, Who am I?  What have I become? I was never an angry person. What kind of mother can’t talk to her baby girl? I looked myself in the mirror and realized, I never had assurance of my salvation because I did not believe my conversion by the Romans Road and sinner’s prayer was a real conversion. Now, at the moments of my profession, I want you to know, I meant what I believed. It was not fake, not a show. I truly believed in the gospel I was told. No matter how many times I dealt with assurance and was told as long as I meant it, I was saved, I still struggled with assurance.

Going through my whole life dividing people up into categories of saved and unsaved, I never ever thought of myself as unsaved and hell-bound. Like I said, my first profession of faith was at age 3. I grew up believing the gospel. I had never Not believed. But that day, I saw myself as unsaved and headed for hell. I can’t tell you that feeling, but you know if you've experienced it. I canceled the appointment, put Jasper down for a nap, and told the sitter to keep the girls away from my room because I needed to deal with God. I knew I wasn't going to leave that room until I had this settled. But I was surprised how hard it was. Once I admitted I didn't believe, and then I went with it. I had every excuse not to believe, the biggest one was I knew I would have to get re-baptized and tell my testimony, which I didn't want to do. It’s easier to keep the dark secrets left alone. And it’s still much easier to do that.

God had to completely break me. I was put under so much not because I was stubborn, but because I had built up such a high moral wall, that it took that much pressure to smash it to a million pieces.

I was so traumatized and my faith was so shattered, I desperately wanted to believe, but I could not on my own. I had not one grain of faith left. Then I heard Kaia calling for me in the hallway. The girls had figured out I hadn't left yet. I knew I had to settle this. Then Jace texted me. He normally doesn't do that, and had no idea what was happening. I told him what I was struggling with, and he helped encourage me to believe. I finally surrendered, and said, Lord, if you want me to believe, You need to make me believe because I cant do it. I didn’t go through the Romans Road, I didn’t say the sinner’s prayer again. I simply whispered, “I believe” and after a lifetime of not believing God really loved me, I bathed in His unfathomable love for me.

This is the beginning of my life being turned upside down. God gave our family a gift of being left alone for a month to put our family back together. The demons that wouldn't leave just a couple days prior, left the moment I came out and told my daughter, “Mommy got her smile back.” My tears prove God is real. I feel like I was living in the times of Jesus. God completely Healed my daughter!!! There is no other explanation! She still struggles, and parenting is still way hard, but our home isn't shadowed with darkness anymore, only with God’s light!

This was a very confusing time for us. We didn't know what this meant theologically. How come my conversion wasn't real before? If I had suddenly died just a few months ago, I thought I would be going to heaven, when really I would go to hell? I didn't know what to make of it.

I was directed to a sermon series on the prayer life of Jesus. I knew I had the desire to walk like Jesus did, but with our family’s schedule, there was no way. I surrendered it, and told the Lord if He wanted me to spend time with Him, He had to make it happen, because I couldn't do it on my own. The very next morning, Jasper woke up at 4am not breathing. He had RSV. Everyone else came down with a cold, and God used that to change our schedule in two weeks. I now could experience time alone with God how it was meant to be. The miracle of being transported to the Throne Room of Grace blew me away. Prayer wasn't praying through a list of requests, but it was communing with God in His Throne Room, giving Him my heart, and He talked back to me! I was awe-struck, and realized this Relationship thing is Real!

Then I read a parenting book on Grace. I thought I knew about grace, but this book showed I had no clue how grace should be displayed through my words and actions. The book talked about Jesus, and how to apply the life of Christ to the everyday moments. That super confused me. How could I do that, if I don’t even know about the life of Christ? I knew Jesus healed people, and died for my sins, but I had no clue Who the person Jesus was. I started reading the Bible wondering who is He, what did He say, what did He do? What should my life look like now if being pure and righteous isn't what the Christian life is about? It didn't get very far into Matthew before we realized the way we thought was off. We had a decision to make. Either we believe what we have always been taught, or we believe what were reading in Scripture.

We found the sinner’s prayer cannot be found in Scripture. There is NO example of it at all. Not even close. Maybe that’s why we both prayed the sinner’s prayer several times and didn't have assurance. The way the gospel had always been presented to me was not the way Jesus, the disciples, nor the apostles presented the gospel. Based upon this fact, a typical gospel presentation given by churches and claimed Christians today is Not the way to God’s salvation. The Romans Road, and the Sinners prayer, the altar calls and invitations can be historically traced back to the Second Great Awakening in America, and Billy Sunday and Billy Graham.  This form of presenting the gospel was completely man’s idea, not God’s.

We began a long journey of, what is the gospel then? We found that the overview of the Bible was the Gospel in its entirety. It’s not a collection of many stories, but they are all tied together by the gospel thread, telling One story. It starts with God with God as the Creator, and ends with God the Judge. This gospel also included something very significant that a typical gospel presentation leaves out. Living out the gospel! Jesus died, was buried and rose again. Jesus’ death causes me to desire to die to myself, all my hopes and dreams and what I want to do with my life. His burial causes me to bury my sin, my worship of anything other than Jesus. His resurrection Enables me to live like Jesus did, and that same power that overcame death, overcame my sin so I no longer am under the power of darkness.

Living out the gospel is the picture of baptism. Baptism is the only proper biblical outward expression of the repentance in the heart. The sinners prayer isn't wrong, but it has taken the place of what baptism should be. So that now, we cant fully understand baptism other than we are supposed to do it as a public statement. Yes, it’s a public statement but so is the sinners prayer. Baptism is a beautiful picture of the second half of the gospel that is lost.

If you think Im saying baptism and living out the gospel is working for salvation, Ill just tell you right now, its Not! The Bible is very clear it is by faith and faith alone through grace that is the means to salvation. But living out the gospel is the Evidence of salvation.

The whole purpose of Gods redemption is to display His power and glory that we couldn't have seen otherwise. How is professing Christ as your Savior but still living however you want to a display of Gods power and glory in your life? This is whats so huge about the Resurrection. The same power that resurrected Jesus and was seen of men, is in me and also can be seen of men in my life! 1 Cor15.

See, the gospel isn’t only for the unsaved, its for the saved! 1 Cor 15:2 says we are to keep this gospel in our memory or we will have believed in vain. So its possible to believe the gospel in vain, because that’s exactly what I did.

So how can you tell if you’ve believed unto salvation?

No man has the authority to tell you that you are saved and guaranteed heaven, that’s reserved for the Holy Spirit. We can receive each other as brothers and sisters, but that’s not guaranteeing the brothers and sisters have believed unto salvation. No one knows the depth of their own heart let alone someone else. That’s why we need the Holy Spirit to confirm salvation.

But it is the Redeemed responsibility to present to entire gospel. The New Testament makes it very clear, the sold-out, radical Christian life, crazy obsessed in love with Jesus isn't an option. It’s the normal way of life for the follower of Jesus.
Is it a reality in your life?

You cannot have an encounter with Jesus and not have a radical change in your life. It affects Every area. Did you know that when Jesus told the rich man to sell all he had and give to the poor, that still applies to us as well. He wasn't exposing covetousness, he was exposing the love of money and possessions were his idol. And most Americans have this same problem. You know how blessed we are in this great land. We are so so rich. Yet, Jesus said it is hard for a rich man to get saved. We Are that rich man! Why do we neglect this passage? We have to expose our sinful hearts if we are to embrace grace and follow Jesus. This was a huge component of followers of Jesus in the Gospels and in Acts. This is why Ananais and Sapphira were struck dead, not for lying, but because they were false converts because they still loved their money and tried to cover it up. This is why the disciples were upset when the woman poured expensive ointment on Jesus. She really Was supposed to give it to the poor. But she kept it for Jesus. Its not wrong to physically keep stuff, as long as you're keeping it to be used for Jesus. It’s a heart condition that will be physically displayed.

A true conversion that is sealed with the Holy Spirit will continue to press in, dig deeper, continue to expose idols, repent and be crazy in love with Jesus. Those who fall away or give up were not sealed with the Spirit. Salvation is not merely a man’s decision, it is an act of God. The mystery between the free will of man and the sovereignty of God cannot be understood. I wish it was just a man’s decision, and God didn't elect people. But it’s there. Take away either element and its not salvation. Those who guarantee heaven no matter if you deny Christ later on are deceived and leading people to hell. The Bible truly teaches perseverance of the saints. Those who present the gospel in such a way as to what that person can Get from God whether is be escaping hell, or peace, or fulfillment are also leading people to hell. All humans want those things. That’s not the point of the gospel. The point of the Gospel is a living for the One who died for you, not living for yourself anymore. Yes, eternal life comes with that, but that’s the icing on the cake. God doesn't owe us anything, not even heaven.  The gospel is the Good News of the Kingdom! Because of Jesus, and For Jesus, who is willing to lay down their life, be sold-out, radically changed, be a Warrior, gathering more people to advance His Kingdom. Jesus is the King. He is coming to establish His kingdom. Will you be there? Will you gather people for His kingdom? That is the gospel!

The gospel is not cultural, it is global. When there is a big difference between Christianity around the world than it is here in America, that’s a red flag. Typical gospel presentations in America only give half of the gospel, and typical invitations are emotional and not biblical. Americas Christianity is gambling with your eternal soul. Get in the word and find out what the whole book is about, not just isolated verses.

You are all my amazing friends, whom I love very much. Writing out my testimony, admitting who I was and what we went through just 6 months ago is very scary for me. Id rather keep it to myself. Its not easy admitting the truth I have always known, is actually the half truth a lie in disguise. I'm writing because I am a slave to Jesus Christ. And because I love you guys. Test out your faith. Is it real? Are you following what a preacher is telling you, or are you following what Jesus said in the Word? We didn't start off reading the Bible thinking our doctrine was wrong. We were very confident in what we believed regarding salvation. But it was obvious once we started that it didn't match.

Do you remember the Passover in Exodus? They sacrificed the perfect lamb, and applied the blood to the entire door posts and completely ate the meal. If they didn't do exactly as the instructions, the angel of death would kill the firstborns in the household. That was a visual picture of the gospel. What Americas Christianity, a typical gospel is presenting today is only applying the blood to half of the posts, and just suggesting to eat the meal and guaranteeing the angel of death will not come for you.

Again, I'm not writing to stir things up, I am writing because I am a slave to Jesus Christ. You have to decide if this is the truth or not. Get into the Word, examine your heart. If what you believe is true, you have nothing to fear. But if there's more to the story, wouldn't you like to know?

So this is where we were at when we got pregnant again, and when we found out we would miscarry. I asked for God to heal my heart, because I was still confused regarding Christian liberty, a concept that was assumed and never taught. I was still struggling with how to deal with the lies of the half gospel that was presented to me. I was still Greatly traumatized by all that I've gone through during the Lords breaking. I was still dealing with my idol, which was being redeemed through being a good mom to lots of children. God couldn't have been clearer as He answered my prayer to heal my broken heart. We had already dealt with impending miscarriage. We were already okay with it, so much so, that I questioned if my lack of grief was even healthy. By the time I started severely hemorrhaging, as long as my kids were taken care of, I could be at peace. I found out later, I did pass out in the car, and Jace thought I was dead. But the Lord woke me up by me rolling down the window while I was still knocked out. The wind woke me up. What a gift! I was acting fine. Not freaking out. Still greatly at peace while I was bleeding to death. The nurses didn't know I was an emergency until I told them what was happening.  I was severely hemorrhaging from 8pm-3am when I finally got a d+c. Jace and I were not nervous. We were tired, but able to carry on like normal, even in the midst of being saturated with blood. The nurses and doctors were so dumbfounded. Lol

Even still, in the midst of this time of rest, the Lord has given me an unspeakable joy. I have finally dealt with exposing my idol, and repenting. I have finally cleared up my questions regarding Christian liberty, and no longer struggling with the gospel of the kingdom vs Americas typical gospel.

We are Not traumatized any more.  This past ER trip, was just another day, the day my little one got to see Jesus before I do. We are overwhelmed by the Gods provision for us, through His people.  And we have such an incredible joy in our house.

I can truly say, God has broken and remade this clay, and fashioned me into Wren, a warrior slave to Jesus Christ to advance His kingdom.

So thank you all for your kindness and your friendship. God is full of mercy. Feel free to message me as always. 

Welcome to my blog, Color Motherhood. A big sincere Thank you for stopping by! 

I'm Wren, just a simple lady married to an incredible man, Jace, and mom to 3 crazy, wonderful small kids, Tess, Kaia and Jasper and a large yellow lab, Brody, and two mischievous beagle puppies, Max and Felix. My allegiance is to Jesus Christ first of all, and my prayer is the Holy Spirit would use me to encourage tired, lonely mamas out there. We all need grace and hope, don't we? I don't have answers; all I know is what Jesus, my Rescuer, did for me, and that He wants to rescue you as well. 

I do not have it all together. I am not Super Mom. I am on a journey, a student of the Word of God. Please bear with me, I am learning, and I do not know all there is to know. I may be wrong. I may be right. All I know is Jesus is full of grace and rest for the weary. 

Our family is a little bit home grown and a little bit trendy. We try to live as simply as we possibly can; a half empty room is easier to take care of. We try to eat as clean as we can. We love green smoothies (with a Vitamix) and tons of fruits and vegetables. My husband is a deer and turkey hunter, so we love organic meat. I personally do not like the taste of coffee, tea or alcohol, instead I live on liquid chlorophyll added to my water. My favorite food group is chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate, the fancy kind. We still love pizza, cheeseburgers, hot dogs and icecream, especially if the day has been crazy. Jace and I work together in the kitchen, neither of us like to follow recipes. In an alternate reality, Jace would've liked to open up his own restaurant; we are always working on the would have been menu. 

We love to do activities as a family, but the opportunities are few and far between. Our favorite thing to do is go for a drive with no destination. It gives us a chance to talk while the kids are safely confined and relatively quiet. Other things we like to do are visiting local farms and doing anything animal related, the kids are on a horse and butterfly kick. Jace loves learning about the weather, especially tornadoes. The kids spend their days playing, eating, mess making, eating, reading, eating, drawing, eating, mess making, eating and watching Netflix; notice napping isn't mentioned. 

I prefer skirts to jeans, and scarves and braids to ponytails. I prefer bright colors to country colors, and facebook to twitter. I prefer Christian hip-hop to hymns accompanied by piano. I prefer tattoos to piercings, and honesty to formality. 

I love to meet new people and always ready to give a listening ear. I want to learn from you as well! If you don't agree with me, great; we aren't all at the same place on our journeys. I'm willing to listen to your points if you're willing to listen to mine. I will shy away from hot arguments and unnecessary division. 

I am not afraid to preach Jesus, gospel and grace, stand up against sin, debate hot topics, and talk about something awkward. I would rather tell you the truth and risk offending you than ignore the elephant in the room. If you get offended easily, you might not enjoy this blog, though you are always welcome here! 

Again, thank you so much for visiting! I'm so humbled that the Holy Spirit would lead me in this direction. I don't take your visit lightly. Drop me a message to say hello! I'd love to meet and talk with you! 

Weary mama, of all walks of life, you are my friend; I'm right in the trenches with you. There's hope in Jesus, gospel and grace. <3