Jehovah Rapha

Jehovah Rapha. My Healer.

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3

I was raised in an Independent Fundamental Baptist home. I had a wonderful childhood that I wouldn't trade for anything. I thank God for perfectly writing my story this way.  

But that easily could have been a different story. I was adopted at the age of 3. It was a very unusual circumstance that God completely stepped in and placed me in a different home. I grew up with 2 families, not just one, yet still completely alone.  My adoption was very traumatic for me. I dealt with typical emotional issues that only adoptees can understand. I even struggled with eating disorder in high school that stemmed from this. I clung to the Bible to dig me out of that pit.

“Purity isn't something you wear on your finger; it’s a seal upon your being that says, I am marked for redemption.”

“Purity is living like you are purified.”

This topic of purity means a lot to me because it reminds me of my salvation. Ironically, my name means pure.

I was always the “good girl”. I saw the effects of sin.  I experienced the damage of other people’s sin. I watched those I love go through the consequence of sin, and I knew I wanted to stay as far away from it as possible. I strove for purity in all areas of my life. I remember the very day as a little girl that I decided my life goal was to have a large family, and do things right. That was my ultimate goal. If I could be the right mom, and love my kids, then I could right all the wrongs. I didn't realize I made that dream, my salvation.

I first professed Christ by saying the sinners prayer when I was 3 years old, then several more times throughout my life, just in case. I was baptized at 10, because that’s what I was supposed to do. I dedicated my life to Christ as a teen, and I was going to be a missionary. I loved the teaching of God’s Word. I attended 2 of the strictest Bible colleges, and met my husband during this time. I ended up taking Bible classes with preacher boys and graduated with a Bible degree. 

There's a story in Luke 15, commonly referred to as "The Prodigal Son". There were two brothers, the older brother was very obedient "good boy" and the younger brother was rebellious "bad boy". The younger son demanded his inheritance from his father, and went out and spent all his money partying with friends. But when he ran out of money, he ran out of friends. He found work taking care of pigs, and ended up eating out of the pig trough. He thought, what am I doing here? My father's servants eat better than I do! So he went back asking his father to make him a servant. His father saw him coming from a distance away, ran to him, and clothed him with special clothes, and called for a big celebration that his son was home.The son was so astonished to be accepted by his father, but the older brother was furious. He always obeyed his father, yet he never got any special treatment, yet when his brother wasted all his father's money, he gets treated like royalty! The father welcomed both sons to the celebration. I always thought it was about the prodigal, but really its about the Good Father. We are All either prodigals or the older brother. I knew early on, I didn't want to be the prodigal, so I did the best I could to obey. Now, there was a time in my life that I was sick of being the “good girl” and privately rebelled, but not completely just so I could still technically be considered “pure” and a virgin.

But I gave my life to redemption by being righteous, and with the ultimate life goal of having the perfect over-sized family to heal my hurting heart. This was my idolatry, my worship, my earning salvation. If you had suggested that to me, I would've been appalled. I knew I was a sinner, and needed Jesus' finished work on the cross to save me. But I never dealt with the sin beneath the sin. I never repented of my idolatry. The parable of the prodigal son (The Good Father) shows us that all of our hearts either default to the prodigal or the older brother. The prodigal knows he is a sinner. The older brother is trying to earn salvation. This is the story of all older brothers, most of whom tend to be religious, or even claim Christ.

It was since the beginning of my marriage that the Lord used my ultimate dream to crush me. We had a honeymoon baby, which was great for my dream. The Lord started breaking me right away with Hyperemesis Gravidarium (HG), which is pretty much my body reacts to pregnancy the same as food poisoning. With medical aid, we got through it, but severely traumatized. That was temporarily mended with a sweet sweet gift from above, my firstborn Tess. I realized going through all of that was worth it to bring new life into the world. We wanted another one.  I desperately wanted Tess to have a sister, like the sister that was taken from me because of my adoption. Having another girl was my focus. It took us 9 long emotional months to conceive again. It was a molar pregnancy. For those who don’t know, to sum it up, instead of a fetus, I was carrying cancerous tissue. If my doctor didn't get all the tissue out right away, it could spread and I would need chemo. If that wasn't scary enough, my HG was ten times worse than before. I couldn't wait to get a d+c so I wouldn't be sick anymore. The Dr told us, for my safety, we needed to wait a year before trying again. That was the most devastating blow I could have gotten. I based my whole world on the redemption of having kids, of having sisters. I was angry at God. I believed He had forgotten me. I suppressed that root of bitterness, after all, that wasn't Christian-like to be angry at God. Instead of a year, we were pregnant within 2 months. That was very scary and embarrassing, even more than a honeymoon baby. That was a very trying 9 months. Every trimester was met with complications. We have literally 100 ultrasound pictures from having ultrasounds twice a week. It was at this point that Tess, now a toddler, started dealing with heavy stuff herself that we didn't know what to do about. God was gracious and blessed us with Kaia, also meaning pure, named after my long lost sister. Dream fulfilled. Once Kaia was born, Tess went south very quickly. For the sake of her testimony, I won’t go into it, but we were looking at mental health issues and the spectrum. If you make your kids your idol, they will crush you; whatever your idol is, it will crush you. We gave up striving for perfection, it was absolutely impossible for us. Our goal was trying to survive now.

It was during this time I felt the isolation the strongest. I was a struggling SAHM living in a tiny packed house, out in the country with no car, no family to help. People would often say to me, “I don’t know how you do it, I would go crazy if I were you” Well, I did go crazy. I couldn't handle it there.

Soon after Jason became the head of one of the children's ministries at church. We were gladly expecting, and I was sick again with HG. I was more alone than ever. The internet was my Only sanity. HG morphed into POTS, which was worse than the HG. POTS basically is my body’s inability to cope with gravity. Standing was nearly impossible for me. I needed a lot of salt to retain fluids, which meant I needed to eat large amounts constantly, but couldn't stand up to prepare it. With two small crazy kids, one of whom had issues, and all the other isolated factors, I started having panic attacks Every time I stood up to help the kids. Now, this goes against everything I've built my life on; righteousness, integrity, being a good mom, etc… We weren't even surviving anymore, we were physically alive, and that’s it.

Jasper was born on the hottest week of the year, which for a pregnant POTS sufferer, was gruesome, and an evil punishment.  He weighed a whopping 9lbs 4oz, which for my small frame was also physically traumatizing. God was gracious in the labor and delivery, and with a newborn that slept all night, because He knew I wouldn't have been able to deal with lack of sleep. Unfortunately the recovery didn't go so well. I broke my tailbone during the delivery, still dealing with POTS, and ended up hemorrhaging and in the hospital again when he was 10 days old. I was so numb to dealing with complications, and I never dealt with that root of bitterness. I had living nightmares just living in that house from all my panic attacks and Tess’ issues. I had to get out. It was during this time I recognized I was no longer the same care-free person I used to be. I started going by the nickname Wren.

As soon as I could barely stand up again, 4 weeks postpartum, we put the house on the market. It was all part of Gods plan for us; we sold our house and bought a new one within a week. We moved in October. No more isolation; finally the house met our family’s needs. We loved it here instantly. Some of that burden was lifted. But nothing could have prepared us for what Tess would go through. From October to December, we must have dealt with demons. There is no other explanation for it. It was so obvious; we acknowledged it, and prayed over it to no avail. We had no power. Then Sandy Hook happened. I completely became undone, as if that dead mom was me. Jason would say, If we truly believe, God will change her!  I finally said, “Well, If that’s the case, then I don’t believe.” It pains me to share this. Tears filling my eyes. I can barely talk about this, it’s more like a whisper. But it’s necessary. You need to know. The spirit world is Real, and God is more powerful and greater than demons. Now, I don’t think our experience was extreme, it was only a taste of what that power can do. Yet, it was an absolutely Terrifying experience. As if we weren't traumatized enough, that really put us over the edge and completely numb to any blessings.  I was still dealing with panic attacks, anger, bitterness, unbelief, and my heart was hardened to claimed Christians.

Finally at the beginning of the New Year, I tried desperately to regroup and tried to find peace in our home again. Jasper had a doctors appointment, and for the first time a babysitter come to the house to watch the girls while I took the baby. Getting the girls ready, I tried to have a heart to heart talk with my daughter, trying to apologize and make things right. I was still so filled with anger, I couldn't even talk.

That’s when I thought, Who am I?  What have I become? I was never an angry person. What kind of mother can’t talk to her baby girl? I looked myself in the mirror and realized, I never had assurance of my salvation because I did not believe my conversion by the Romans Road and sinner’s prayer was a real conversion. Now, at the moments of my profession, I want you to know, I meant what I believed. It was not fake, not a show. I truly believed in the gospel I was told. No matter how many times I dealt with assurance and was told as long as I meant it, I was saved, I still struggled with assurance.

Going through my whole life dividing people up into categories of saved and unsaved, I never ever thought of myself as unsaved and hell-bound. Like I said, my first profession of faith was at age 3. I grew up believing the gospel. I had never Not believed. But that day, I saw myself as unsaved and headed for hell. I can’t tell you that feeling, but you know if you've experienced it. I canceled the appointment, put Jasper down for a nap, and told the sitter to keep the girls away from my room because I needed to deal with God. I knew I wasn't going to leave that room until I had this settled. But I was surprised how hard it was. Once I admitted I didn't believe, and then I went with it. I had every excuse not to believe, the biggest one was I knew I would have to get re-baptized and tell my testimony, which I didn't want to do. It’s easier to keep the dark secrets left alone. And it’s still much easier to do that.

God had to completely break me. I was put under so much not because I was stubborn, but because I had built up such a high moral wall, that it took that much pressure to smash it to a million pieces.

I was so traumatized and my faith was so shattered, I desperately wanted to believe, but I could not on my own. I had not one grain of faith left. Then I heard Kaia calling for me in the hallway. The girls had figured out I hadn't left yet. I knew I had to settle this. Then Jace texted me. He normally doesn't do that, and had no idea what was happening. I told him what I was struggling with, and he helped encourage me to believe. I finally surrendered, and said, Lord, if you want me to believe, You need to make me believe because I cant do it. I didn’t go through the Romans Road, I didn’t say the sinner’s prayer again. I simply whispered, “I believe” and after a lifetime of not believing God really loved me, I bathed in His unfathomable love for me.

This is the beginning of my life being turned upside down. God gave our family a gift of being left alone for a month to put our family back together. The demons that wouldn't leave just a couple days prior, left the moment I came out and told my daughter, “Mommy got her smile back.” My tears prove God is real. I feel like I was living in the times of Jesus. God completely Healed my daughter!!! There is no other explanation! She still struggles, and parenting is still way hard, but our home isn't shadowed with darkness anymore, only with God’s light!

This was a very confusing time for us. We didn't know what this meant theologically. How come my conversion wasn't real before? If I had suddenly died just a few months ago, I thought I would be going to heaven, when really I would go to hell? I didn't know what to make of it.

I was directed to a sermon series on the prayer life of Jesus. I knew I had the desire to walk like Jesus did, but with our family’s schedule, there was no way. I surrendered it, and told the Lord if He wanted me to spend time with Him, He had to make it happen, because I couldn't do it on my own. The very next morning, Jasper woke up at 4am not breathing. He had RSV. Everyone else came down with a cold, and God used that to change our schedule in two weeks. I now could experience time alone with God how it was meant to be. The miracle of being transported to the Throne Room of Grace blew me away. Prayer wasn't praying through a list of requests, but it was communing with God in His Throne Room, giving Him my heart, and He talked back to me! I was awe-struck, and realized this Relationship thing is Real!

Then I read a parenting book on Grace. I thought I knew about grace, but this book showed I had no clue how grace should be displayed through my words and actions. The book talked about Jesus, and how to apply the life of Christ to the everyday moments. That super confused me. How could I do that, if I don’t even know about the life of Christ? I knew Jesus healed people, and died for my sins, but I had no clue Who the person Jesus was. I started reading the Bible wondering who is He, what did He say, what did He do? What should my life look like now if being pure and righteous isn't what the Christian life is about? It didn't get very far into Matthew before we realized the way we thought was off. We had a decision to make. Either we believe what we have always been taught, or we believe what were reading in Scripture.

We found the sinner’s prayer cannot be found in Scripture. There is NO example of it at all. Not even close. Maybe that’s why we both prayed the sinner’s prayer several times and didn't have assurance. The way the gospel had always been presented to me was not the way Jesus, the disciples, nor the apostles presented the gospel. Based upon this fact, a typical gospel presentation given by churches and claimed Christians today is Not the way to God’s salvation. The Romans Road, and the Sinners prayer, the altar calls and invitations can be historically traced back to the Second Great Awakening in America, and Billy Sunday and Billy Graham.  This form of presenting the gospel was completely man’s idea, not God’s.

We began a long journey of, what is the gospel then? We found that the overview of the Bible was the Gospel in its entirety. It’s not a collection of many stories, but they are all tied together by the gospel thread, telling One story. It starts with God with God as the Creator, and ends with God the Judge. This gospel also included something very significant that a typical gospel presentation leaves out. Living out the gospel! Jesus died, was buried and rose again. Jesus’ death causes me to desire to die to myself, all my hopes and dreams and what I want to do with my life. His burial causes me to bury my sin, my worship of anything other than Jesus. His resurrection Enables me to live like Jesus did, and that same power that overcame death, overcame my sin so I no longer am under the power of darkness.

Living out the gospel is the picture of baptism. Baptism is the only proper biblical outward expression of the repentance in the heart. The sinners prayer isn't wrong, but it has taken the place of what baptism should be. So that now, we cant fully understand baptism other than we are supposed to do it as a public statement. Yes, it’s a public statement but so is the sinners prayer. Baptism is a beautiful picture of the second half of the gospel that is lost.

If you think Im saying baptism and living out the gospel is working for salvation, Ill just tell you right now, its Not! The Bible is very clear it is by faith and faith alone through grace that is the means to salvation. But living out the gospel is the Evidence of salvation.

The whole purpose of Gods redemption is to display His power and glory that we couldn't have seen otherwise. How is professing Christ as your Savior but still living however you want to a display of Gods power and glory in your life? This is whats so huge about the Resurrection. The same power that resurrected Jesus and was seen of men, is in me and also can be seen of men in my life! 1 Cor15.

See, the gospel isn’t only for the unsaved, its for the saved! 1 Cor 15:2 says we are to keep this gospel in our memory or we will have believed in vain. So its possible to believe the gospel in vain, because that’s exactly what I did.

So how can you tell if you’ve believed unto salvation?

No man has the authority to tell you that you are saved and guaranteed heaven, that’s reserved for the Holy Spirit. We can receive each other as brothers and sisters, but that’s not guaranteeing the brothers and sisters have believed unto salvation. No one knows the depth of their own heart let alone someone else. That’s why we need the Holy Spirit to confirm salvation.

But it is the Redeemed responsibility to present to entire gospel. The New Testament makes it very clear, the sold-out, radical Christian life, crazy obsessed in love with Jesus isn't an option. It’s the normal way of life for the follower of Jesus.
Is it a reality in your life?

You cannot have an encounter with Jesus and not have a radical change in your life. It affects Every area. Did you know that when Jesus told the rich man to sell all he had and give to the poor, that still applies to us as well. He wasn't exposing covetousness, he was exposing the love of money and possessions were his idol. And most Americans have this same problem. You know how blessed we are in this great land. We are so so rich. Yet, Jesus said it is hard for a rich man to get saved. We Are that rich man! Why do we neglect this passage? We have to expose our sinful hearts if we are to embrace grace and follow Jesus. This was a huge component of followers of Jesus in the Gospels and in Acts. This is why Ananais and Sapphira were struck dead, not for lying, but because they were false converts because they still loved their money and tried to cover it up. This is why the disciples were upset when the woman poured expensive ointment on Jesus. She really Was supposed to give it to the poor. But she kept it for Jesus. Its not wrong to physically keep stuff, as long as you're keeping it to be used for Jesus. It’s a heart condition that will be physically displayed.

A true conversion that is sealed with the Holy Spirit will continue to press in, dig deeper, continue to expose idols, repent and be crazy in love with Jesus. Those who fall away or give up were not sealed with the Spirit. Salvation is not merely a man’s decision, it is an act of God. The mystery between the free will of man and the sovereignty of God cannot be understood. I wish it was just a man’s decision, and God didn't elect people. But it’s there. Take away either element and its not salvation. Those who guarantee heaven no matter if you deny Christ later on are deceived and leading people to hell. The Bible truly teaches perseverance of the saints. Those who present the gospel in such a way as to what that person can Get from God whether is be escaping hell, or peace, or fulfillment are also leading people to hell. All humans want those things. That’s not the point of the gospel. The point of the Gospel is a living for the One who died for you, not living for yourself anymore. Yes, eternal life comes with that, but that’s the icing on the cake. God doesn't owe us anything, not even heaven.  The gospel is the Good News of the Kingdom! Because of Jesus, and For Jesus, who is willing to lay down their life, be sold-out, radically changed, be a Warrior, gathering more people to advance His Kingdom. Jesus is the King. He is coming to establish His kingdom. Will you be there? Will you gather people for His kingdom? That is the gospel!

The gospel is not cultural, it is global. When there is a big difference between Christianity around the world than it is here in America, that’s a red flag. Typical gospel presentations in America only give half of the gospel, and typical invitations are emotional and not biblical. Americas Christianity is gambling with your eternal soul. Get in the word and find out what the whole book is about, not just isolated verses.

You are all my amazing friends, whom I love very much. Writing out my testimony, admitting who I was and what we went through just 6 months ago is very scary for me. Id rather keep it to myself. Its not easy admitting the truth I have always known, is actually the half truth a lie in disguise. I'm writing because I am a slave to Jesus Christ. And because I love you guys. Test out your faith. Is it real? Are you following what a preacher is telling you, or are you following what Jesus said in the Word? We didn't start off reading the Bible thinking our doctrine was wrong. We were very confident in what we believed regarding salvation. But it was obvious once we started that it didn't match.

Do you remember the Passover in Exodus? They sacrificed the perfect lamb, and applied the blood to the entire door posts and completely ate the meal. If they didn't do exactly as the instructions, the angel of death would kill the firstborns in the household. That was a visual picture of the gospel. What Americas Christianity, a typical gospel is presenting today is only applying the blood to half of the posts, and just suggesting to eat the meal and guaranteeing the angel of death will not come for you.

Again, I'm not writing to stir things up, I am writing because I am a slave to Jesus Christ. You have to decide if this is the truth or not. Get into the Word, examine your heart. If what you believe is true, you have nothing to fear. But if there's more to the story, wouldn't you like to know?

So this is where we were at when we got pregnant again, and when we found out we would miscarry. I asked for God to heal my heart, because I was still confused regarding Christian liberty, a concept that was assumed and never taught. I was still struggling with how to deal with the lies of the half gospel that was presented to me. I was still Greatly traumatized by all that I've gone through during the Lords breaking. I was still dealing with my idol, which was being redeemed through being a good mom to lots of children. God couldn't have been clearer as He answered my prayer to heal my broken heart. We had already dealt with impending miscarriage. We were already okay with it, so much so, that I questioned if my lack of grief was even healthy. By the time I started severely hemorrhaging, as long as my kids were taken care of, I could be at peace. I found out later, I did pass out in the car, and Jace thought I was dead. But the Lord woke me up by me rolling down the window while I was still knocked out. The wind woke me up. What a gift! I was acting fine. Not freaking out. Still greatly at peace while I was bleeding to death. The nurses didn't know I was an emergency until I told them what was happening.  I was severely hemorrhaging from 8pm-3am when I finally got a d+c. Jace and I were not nervous. We were tired, but able to carry on like normal, even in the midst of being saturated with blood. The nurses and doctors were so dumbfounded. Lol

Even still, in the midst of this time of rest, the Lord has given me an unspeakable joy. I have finally dealt with exposing my idol, and repenting. I have finally cleared up my questions regarding Christian liberty, and no longer struggling with the gospel of the kingdom vs Americas typical gospel.

We are Not traumatized any more.  This past ER trip, was just another day, the day my little one got to see Jesus before I do. We are overwhelmed by the Gods provision for us, through His people.  And we have such an incredible joy in our house.

I can truly say, God has broken and remade this clay, and fashioned me into Wren, a warrior slave to Jesus Christ to advance His kingdom.

So thank you all for your kindness and your friendship. God is full of mercy. Feel free to message me as always.