Jesus is My Better Dream

   It's been 2 months since my last miscarriage. I still dream of babies, all day, every day. It's painful. Especially since this was the first pregnancy Jace was so excited about. It breaks my heart. But it's all in God's hands. He knows what's going to happen next.
   Sometime I'll have to write about more extensively about my pregnancies. All of them have been dreadfully painful for us, not the babies, just the pregnancies. We don't know what it's like to have a smooth healthy pregnancy. There was a time when I was jealous of the those who had great pregnancies, but really my awful pregnancy experiences are what God used to bring me to him. Philippians 3:7,8 "But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. Yes doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ."  I've had hyperemesis gravidarium, molar pregnancy, hemorrhaging, pregnancy loss, phantom pregnancy, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Not fun. But I take so much joy in reaching out to incredible mamas who are going through hard pregnancies.
   This is where I'm at right now. I'm tired of the bumpy road. I'm so thankful that I can relate to others who are hurting. But that's enough, Lord. I've been through it. I learned my lesson. Can you just pour out the blessings now? Smooth sailing would be nice. These waters were pretty mean, now can I come out on the other side with clear blue skies?
   I'm scared of not getting pregnant again, especially for my husband's sake. I'm scared of getting pregnant again, and what bumpy roads might come. I'm scared of getting pregnant again, and not having bumpy roads, will I forget how much I need my Savior? I'm scared of God not answering my prayers in the way I expect Him to. I'm scared of continued pregnancy loss. I don't think I can handle many more. This limbo state is brutal.
   But Jesus is better. He is.
   When I think of Who God is (the Potter) and who I am (the clay), the problems fade away. I don't know what's going to happen. But thankfully the One who does is holding my hand. I don't have to enjoy the pain, but I can take joy in Jesus.
   If I hold up my baby dreams as my ultimate happiness, those dreams will crush me. They will never satisfy me. I suppose I'll always have baby fever. But if I hold up Jesus as my ultimate happiness, He will always satisfy. Eyes so focused on Jesus that I don't notice what's going on around me. Jesus is so much better. Jesus is my reality, not just a dream of what could be. If there's anything to dream about, it would be to dream about standing before Jesus.
   Jeremiah 2:13 "For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters, and hewed them out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water." I left God in order to pursue something else that can't satisfy. "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." Matthew 22:37.
   Fall in love with Jesus. Jesus is better. He is. He is better than all your hopes and dreams. He is better than your fears. We have been continuously unfaithful to Him, yet He wants to be with us. He wants us to forsake everything else we are pursuing, so He can capture our hearts. Jesus is pursuing you, He always has and He always will. He never gets tired of pursuing us. Isaiah 40:28 "Have you not known? have you not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary? there is no searching of his understanding."
   What if in the end, it's not about me and my experiences. It's about His master plan for mankind. What if my pregnancies weren't just about bringing me close to the Lord, but that my experiences were a domino effect in His master orchestration of mankind. Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart devises his way: but the Lord directs his steps." We can't understand God. I wish we didn't have to go through the pain that we do. But I trust God even there. I trust Him in what He's doing in your life. I trust Him in what He's doing in mine. I have to. There is no other way that satisfies.
 
   Please feel free to message me anytime. I'd love to meet you where you are at and hear your story.