When I look back at my childhood, I remember dreaming it away in hopes of having my own children someday. I had motherhood all figured out; it was simply teaching the Bible to the heart of the next generation. Fast forward to one week after I found out I was going to be a mom, we went back to the beach where we were engaged exactly one year before (yes, we had a honeymoon baby!) I was still so dreamy, and thought I was completely ready for it.....once I got my head out of the toilet. My heavenly dreams slapped me in the face with that first wave of nausea. Looking at Anne Geddes photography was the only thing that got me through those dark days of being debilitated, praying I wouldn't have to resort to a PICC line. So quickly I forgot my dream of motherhood was for the kingdom of God.
Once she was born, all my plans went out the window. I had no idea what I was doing; we were surviving on love, and that's it. Besides, how can I teach the newborn about the Bible? We just needed to focus on getting through the next feeding. She won't need another bath until next week, right?
A year and half later, I finally got comfortable with this mommy thing. My very active and sweet toddler was a dream come true. How does the Bible apply to this stage? I had no idea...."Tessie, don't touch that!" Ya, that's as far as I could think. Oh, she was so cute! Her little voice melted my heart every time.
Then along came Kaia. Quite honestly, it was during this point that the Lord started breaking down my religious heart. I felt the most helpless during these months. This is when Tess started showing behavioral characteristics that pointed to the spectrum. I knew biblical principles to apply to parenting, but that left me more bewildered. This is when I first threw my hands up in the air so confused as to what my response should be during tender and helpless moments. We remained in this state for a long time. We just didn't know how to respond. We gave it our best shot with every ounce of dedication. We approached it from every angle we knew how.
We were finally able to simplify how to handle her. We recognized triggers, and figured out the difference between being naughty and what were spectrum issues. I was again debilitated with pregnancy, isolated and depressed with two very high strung toddlers. God was starting to open my eyes to true salvation. I was searching, and taught Tess what I was learning. If it weren't for this, I would've gone in despair.
Just when we thought we got it semi-under control, we took a nose dive. Adjusting to a move and a new baby made matters worse. Her behavior spiraled out of control, and left me angry and bitter. I had enough and I lost all hope. My vision of motherhood was dark and ugly. I didn't know why God gave me these three beautiful kids only for me to mess them up. We were a complete mess. And even there, God gave love and grace.
Then God reached down and intervened, and everything changed. The demons that plagued our house left the instant Jesus entered our home. We were still dealing with some issues, but she finally responded to our guidance again (a remarkable change). This was the beginning of my freedom from religion to freedom in Christ. I spent months reading the Bible with new eyes, as if I were reading it for the first time. Sitting at the feet of the Holy Spirit as He teaches from the Word of God is the most beautiful place I could be. It became apparent ,quickly, how much my view was off before. So for the last few months, my vision of motherhood was I am not Super Mom, but my kids need to know I have a Super God. I was still slightly confused as to exactly how that played out in daily living. The majority of our days consisted of waving bye to daddy on the porch as he leaves for work, breakfast, netflix or playtime for the kids while mommy tends to all the morning tasks. Our afternoons are filled with eating, playing outside, homeschool, reading, coloring, quiet time and eating. My mind has been fixed on the gospel and the kingdom while attending to the busyness of taking care of three small kids and three needy dogs. Because I have been in a state of learning to get where my heart needs to be, I have been neglecting the spiritual nurturing of my kids. God is so gentle and just, He deals with us one thing at a time. I can show pictures on Facebook of what I did with the kids during the day (you betcha I love everything we do together!), but I still wasn't fully there with them, I was trying to be at the feet of Jesus while staying active with my kids. In the midst of all of it, I lost my vision for the calling where I have the most influence: motherhood.
Somewhere along the line, I got disconnected with them. Maybe some would blame it on being too busy, or having too many animals and kids, or maybe I'm on my phone too much. Those are all factors. But the truth of the matter is, my heart has been seized by the palm of Jesus. I am right where I need to be. This is all part of their story as well; their hearts being molded. I can trust Him with their hearts as I have trusted Him with mine.
So this week, God gently revealed to me what my vision should be for my interaction with my kids.
You mamas know the moments I'm talking about. The fighting moments. The crying moments. The maddening moments. The sweet and tender, freezing-time moments.
Jesus. Gospel. Grace.
I know, so simple, why didn't I think of that before?
I did know that before, but I was so incompetent. I did jump on opportunities that I could clearly recognize, but those were fewer than I'd like to admit. If anything, I could understand how Jesus, Gospel and Grace applied to me, but I had no idea how to apply it to my kids.
Then I got this spiritual "aha" moment listening to the sermon at church. Children's hearts are the same as the hearts of men and women. We all have the same sinful nature. The same way I apply the gospel and repentance to my heart is the same way I need to pass that on to my kids' hearts. Once I recognize that, I can be ready to interact with them.
Most of the time I feel as if kids speak a different language. Their interests are so different than mine. Their energy and passions are so different than mine. But the barrier is taken down when I realize we can relate because we have the same human nature. Treating them with respect as people. I believed this before, but it's easy to get caught up in the daily tasks of taking care of everyone, and forget the most basic of all.
Now when I hear screaming or sobbing I can approach it as, what if I were her? What would the Spirit say to me about Jesus, gospel, repentance and grace? Because I'm trusting in the Spirit's slow working on my kids' hearts, I don't have to force them into repentance and believing. My job is to present Jesus and the gospel and an opportunity for repentance and grace. My job is Not to get them to believe; instead my job is to pray a work of God upon them. I do not hold the keys to my kids' souls.
The religion that I come from, the right way to parent is to make sure the kids are in church and in every kid program (which includes crafts, games, puppets, Bible story). Pray that they will accept Jesus into their hearts; rejoice when the kids say a prayer of repentance and their souls are forever sealed in heaven. Celebrate when the kids obey in baptism, or dedicate their lives to Christ.
The Jesus of the Bible does not fit into a religious box.
He takes it much deeper than most of us are comfortable with. I'm still not sure if I'm comfortable with how far He wants to take me.
I know, I just offended alot of you.
Friends, I do not take the issue of child salvation lightly. If you could see me right now, I'm shaking over the spiritual battle that is taking place. This is an issue that most of you, my friends, are most likely not willing to go. I wasn't planning on going here, but it's where God led me.
Being a mom, having a relationship with my kids, interacting with their hearts, the very essence of who they are, does not have to scare me. They are people with the same human nature that I have. They struggle with their emotions the same way that I struggle with mine. Each one of them has their own personal story of Jesus reaching down and intervening on their behalf. They might fight it. They might try to run away. They might flat out reject Him. That's between them and God. My job as a mother is to walk in the Spirit, and not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. My job is to be the light of Jesus for them, planting seeds in their hearts. My job is to give them opportunities to repent and believe. My job is to pray pray pray fervently for my kids. Any work of God is a result of prayer. But I can leave the matter at the feet of Jesus. The God that I serve, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, Elohim, the Great Creator, He's got this.
Every personality adds a different dynamic to each family. In my household, we are consisted of Jace, Wren, Tess, Kaia, Jasper and dogs who test our patience, Brody, Max and Felix. Jace has his own personality, background, struggle, and the way God reached down to grab his heart was done differently than how God dealt with me. Rest assured, my children's hearts are starting to bud and God with deal with them differently just like He has dealt differently with all of us. The means to salvation and "walking worthy" (Ephesians 4:1) of His love is the same, and never changing. Jesus, Gospel. Repentance. Grace.
Christian mama, your main job is not to manage the household. Wait, let me say that again, my dear friend, your main job is Not to manage the household! Your main job is to dwell in the house of the Lord forever, and to sit at His feet. Your main job is to advance the kingdom of God. Your main job is the be the light of Jesus, the salt of your home (Matthew 5:13). Your influence anywhere else does not compare to the influence you have on your kids. No amount of blogging, Facebooking, phonecalling, emailing, visiting, church attending, and serving is going to compare to the influence you have on your kids. But you can't be the light and salt you need to be until your heart is sitting at the feet of Jesus, like Mary (Luke 10:39). I'm speaking to myself. This is my greatest struggle. My greatest passion. My greatest desire.
By doing so, we are treading on dangerous waters. There's no rafts. There's nothing to hold onto except looking into the eyes of Jesus; trusting. Kinda like Peter walking on water (Matthew 14:24-33). "The just shall live by FAITH" (Hebrews 10:38) not religious programs. "The just shall live by Faith" not by attending church. "The just shall live by FAITH" not by a past religious experience.
I'm not saying that your child shouldn't get baptized or be dedicated to the Lord. I'm saying, be careful about focusing on the experiences instead of meeting your child where he's at. If you're already doing that, may this be an encouragement for you.
Trust God with your heart. Trust God with your kids' hearts. Walk in the Spirit; live by Faith.
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