So Much Love It Hurts

Faith, Hope and Love abides, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Cor 13:13. That's my verse for our grand adventure. This is taking faith to give hope, because of love. Jesus is faith and hope and love. Jesus is all of those great things. I am the opposite of that, but because of grace, He enables me to be like Him. I've given alot of information lately. Alot of explaining, answering questions, and helping people process what's going on. I've been super busy, my mind can't seem to relax, I've been up late at night, and my heart has been pounding more than normal. I haven't had much of an appetite, yet I've had far more energy than normal. My heart has been hurting more now than ever, as if it's going to explode. I've cried more now than I have in a long time. Up until now, I've tried to keep it in. Love is vulnerable. Love is dangerous. There's no security net for you as you give someone else security. There are 153 million orphans worldwide, however, that number does not include children living on the streets or in orphanages. The girls that age out of the system most likely will end up in human trafficking, and the boys that age out of the system most likely will end up as hardened criminals. I wish that was an exaggeration. Most people consider adoption, but only 2% actually will. The two biggest reasons people don't pursue it is because their spouse isn't on board and because of finances. If this was such a joyous time, why is it effecting me physically? Because, those who love much hurt much. I have 3 little ones, and 3 dogs. I just suffered through pregnancy loss a few months ago. Money is tight (like it is for most Americans). Why are we doing this? Isn't it too much? Because I couldn't live with myself for turning a child away. As a whole, the church does a great job declaring it's moral stand on abortion. But somehow that sanctity of human life gets lost in translation when it comes to caring for orphans, even just our own children for that matter. New Horizons for Children's workers interviewed kids from 4 countries, took their pictures, wrote up biographies about them, and sent them out to as many people as possible. Their greatest fear is having to go back and see these kids again, and the kids asking, "Did I get a family?" and she has to tell them, "No, sweetie, not this time." Yes, I understand God's sovereignty. But His heartbeat is for the forsaken. My heart will not rest until those kids are in my home. Why? Because I am one of them. Yes, our stories are different, yes, I have not suffered as much trauma and abuse that they have gone through, but the feelings, the wounds are still the same. There's no way I can describe those feelings unless you've actually experienced it yourself. There's such a bond with adoptees that is hard to express. As a child I despised adoption. I wanted to be with my birth mother. It wasn't because I didn't like my adopted family, it was because of the motherly/daughter bond I had with my birth mom. I was the second out of eight, and only my brother and I were adopted, both to different families. I spent most of my growing up asking God why He separated me from them. My brother wasn't told that he was adopted, and one of my hardest days as a child was visiting him, knowing I was his sister, but he had no idea who I was. I prayed fiercely for my brother to know I was his sister. Then finally, when we were teenagers, his dad finally told him, and he said I was the reason he chose to. My older sister and I have an incredible deep sisterly bond, yet we are strangers. I've waited 17 years to be able to have her back in my life. God is incredibly tender-hearted. I struggled deeply with dark issues, and as a child counseled myself using biblical principles to put a band-aid on my mess. It worked. I thought I was healed. It wasn't until I went through the Lord's breaking, that these issues started to surface again years later. The movie October Baby is highly recommended. When that movie was released, there was finally a voice for the adoptee. These issues resurfaced, I was in more pain than before. I didn't have answers anymore, only pain. So much that I finally admitted to myself, It's okay if God doesn't love me, I'll love Him anyway. I truly believed that God loved everyone else, but He had glossed over me. He loved me enough to die, but I wasn't precious to Him like a daughter. Then that one day, I saw His outstretched palm, and realized the cross was because I was precious to Him, He chose me. He wanted me to be His daughter. And in one moment, I was healed. God is with me. I watched my daughter struggle with sensory issues. Daily living was painful for her. I watched her rage, and I was beaten up trying to love her. I watched how in a single moment, Jesus healed her. Yes, she still struggles with some things, but Jesus helps her overcome her fears now. Praise be to God! So back to why are we doing this? Isn't it too much? Am I just seeking the next big thing? It's because Jesus chose me, the forsaken, to love on me. In all of my emotional distress, He came down and touched me. It's because my daughter, who many would have cast aside if she was in the foster care system, has hope that Jesus overcomes any battle. It's because those 4 beautiful dark brown eyes looked at me through a picture and God whispered, "They're waiting for you." Until orphans are cared for, I will have so much love it hurts.